HRH, You've Got Mail!

Dear Duchess of Cambridge,

We can't call you "Kate" yet, and this is precisely the point of our letter.  We (Ms. Megan --- and Ms. Andrea --- both of Troy, Ohio, USA) have come to the conclusion that the three of us should become particular friends.  In other words, you need to appoint us as your “besties”, to use the vernacular of the colonies.

Before we embark on this camaraderie, however, we need to make a small confession.  Though we found your husband attractive in our younger years, we have since moved on¹.  When we saw you emerge with your sophisticated yet sparkly sense of style, we transferred our affections.  This was long before you stunned the world with your blue Issa engagement dress (and 18 carat sapphire ring²).

Though you have yet to meet us, we are certain you would enjoy our witty and dry sense of humo(u)r and delightful mannerisms.  Our modesty and humility always proceeds us, and we would brilliant wing-women (unlike Pippa, whose derrière commands the world’s attention.  Though we do not have big butts, we cannot lie.)  However, in case you aren't convinced by two Yankee strangers stating “We should be best mates!”, we have compiled a list detailing why the three of us should be friends.

Point One: As high school teachers, we appreciate that you've brought classy back.  This is a battle we spear-head daily.  Under your guidance and ability to never wear tights as pants, we feel less abandoned on the battlefield, and now have a positive example to turn young girls to.  (Also, thank you for making nylons acceptable again to wear below the age of 80.  We are warmer in the winter.)

Point Two: The fascinator.  We've always pined after the idea of being able to wear feathers on our heads without being offensive to Native American culture.  

Point Three: We've seen pictures of you going to roller skating parties in the recent past.  We love roller skating.

Point Four: You rock Alexander McQueen and Jenny Packman like it’s everybody’s business.  However, it is also common knowledge you embrace off the rack shopping, and we have an inkling that you'd love our favorite discount shopping spot: Marshall's. (Please don't go without us. See "How I Meet My BFF/The Nordstrom Situation").  The beauty of Marshall’s is that it offers all of your favorite high street names at close out prices.  Plus, since your currency (the one sporting your granny-in-law’s mug) is stronger than our George Washingtons, everything in America is half off for you anyway.

Point Five: We know that you recharge your batteries by stepping out of the limelight, and believe you would enjoy the small town life provided by Troy, Ohio, USA.  Don't fret, there is no paparazzi to worry about here.  When the local news truck drives by, we stop and stare because it is such an anomaly.  (However, if you do take your top off a la the unfortunate France incident, people will stare.  Just FYI.)

Point Six: We like things that sparkle, too.  (Again, 18 carats³)

Point Seven: We've seen you look decent while hitting the grocery.  We support that decision.  While your average American may be comfortable slumming around in a t-shirt and sweat pants, your ability to put together causal yet chic outfits has inspired the world over⁴. Long live the blazer...and the Queen.

Point Eight: You work tid-bits about your puppy, Lupo, into many interviews.  90% of our conversations involve stories about our dogs.  

Point Nine: Andrea understands the pressures and expectations of producing an heir.  The weight of the nation on you and the weight of her mother on her are clearly the same severity.

Point Ten: You are 5'10".  Andrea is 6'2".  Megan is 5'9".  We all love to wear heels.  Tall girls have to have each others back (since everyone is looking up at them).

PS: None of this has anything to do with your access to the crown jewels.  

Write back soon.  Call us, maybe?  Whatever.  Your choice.

xoxo,

1. Megan is willing to produce a herd of ginger children with Harry, no matter how many dumb decisions he keeps making.
2. Wow
3. Double wow.
4. Tasha Rose Dunlop, we just heard you roll your eyes.  Cool it.